What's been going on?

I have been absent for awhile but today I'm back.  Yesterday was my last day of radiation treatment for breast cancer and I awoke this morning with the determination to not do that again EVER again. As I've written before I struggle with my excess weight and I know that I'm supposed to be thinner but I hadn't fully committed to losing it.  For the longest time it's been more about vanity than health and now I can truly say with all my heart it's more about health than vanity.  When I look in the mirror I see a disfigured breast but it's going to be healthy again.  I see an overweight body but it has been strong and it will heal and I will feel better again. Health, the feeling of being able to do whatever I want and feel good while I'm doing it, is huge. I didn't realize how I had been healthy for so many years but I focused how "unhealthy" I looked and would then beat myself up so much because of a number on the scale.  Now I don't feel healthy and I don't like that more than I don't like the number and this is one thing this whole episode of cancer has shown me. After I received the news in April, I sought comfort from food and discovered how I've run to food for comfort pretty much my entire life.  It's offers momentary comfort with long term consequences. I really believed for a time that I caused the cancer but I can see now cancer strikes everyone, it has no rhyme or reason. It strikes the thin and fat, smokers and non-smokers, vegetarians and meat eaters, and everyone in between. But...there are things I do that puts myself into a higher category of it happening to me. I've had it once and I don't want it again. I have decided against the drug tamoxifen which the doctor wanted me to take to prevent it from coming back but I believe I need to change my diet and move consistently to prevent it from coming back. I don't want to go the drug route and after reading everything I can get my hands on, I am confident by adding key herbs and foods to my diet I can boost my immune system to strengthen my body's ability to kick these abnormal cells to the curb! Writing is another way for me to process all of this so I'm hopeful to write on my little blog more.  I want to grow and be healthy once again, I want what I believe to be reflected in my actions, I want the picture of the me in my head to match the image I see in the mirror.  It's a new day...let's get this started!

What...another post?

They say practice makes perfect...but I've also read that if you practice the wrong thing, it establishes a bad habit. I have a bad habit of comparing myself to others. I've practiced it for a long time and I am tired of this annoying habit so I'm done practicing that. My new goal/focus is to practice putting truth into my thoughts, meditating on how God sees me, who He created me to be.  

I also want to practice writing so I'm hoping to make time to post more often.  It's helpful to have time off to practice.  

Portions

Happy vacation dance is going on right now...but first I needed to get something right this morning.  Yesterday I over indulged in the valentines candy that I brought into the house. I wasn't hungry, I was reluctant to get started on some grading I needed to do, I was home by myself, so I indulged again and again. I wanted to throw it away but I didn't, so I ate it.  I hid it and when I woke up this morning, I felt condemned, defeated before I even got out of bed today.  Not a good way to start my time off.  One discipline I'm getting better at is reading God's word every morning so today I did my reading and then felt like I needed to read the book "Made to Crave". I chose the chapter called overindulgence and the scripture was Lamentations 3:22-24, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him."

Immediate confession of yesterday and forgiveness flooded my soul. I believe and have believed the lies of the enemy for so long, but I am encouraged that the Holy Spirit will continue to point out the lies to me and that I can have truth in my mind and heart.  Portion control is essential for my goal of losing weight, and when I overindulge in those portions I can learn from it and His mercies are new every morning. I am desiring new patterns that reflect God's truth and promises in my mind, not the lies of the enemy. It is indeed a new day so let my time off begin...let's clean this house! 

Made to crave

2 My soul yearns, even faints,
    for the courts of the Lord;
my heart and my flesh cry out
    for the living God.

Psalm 82:4

Putting and keeping God's word in my mind, heart and soul is the habit that will continue to increase my love for Him and correct the relationship with my friend, food. For too long food has been my comforter, companion, always there but never really satisfying.  What I've noticed is that it's so temporary...the comfort only lasts for a short time and nothing of real value comes from it.  I yearn, crave a longer lasting relationship with the almighty God who created me.  Getting His perspective on who I am in Him is helping me to fix the relationship with food.  Food is necessary as that's how God created me but God desires for me to be free from the lust of my eyes, pride of my flesh, and boasting.  Only through His word and spirit can this be accomplished. Thankfully it's a day by day journey and I'm excited to be on it.

First Sunday

So many questions on how to blog...how do I connect things to my blog? How do I gather followers? How do I make the blog visually appealing? Ultimately my deepest question is...Am I adequate enough to write what people can connect with? Hubby asked me one time why do I want to blog and my answer at the time was to get better at writing and seeing it on the World Wide Web is kind of cool! Those are still my reasons but now I've also been listening to my heart and I want to encourage, to be an encourager to others. I'm not sure what that looks like but I'm thinking I can do that through this blog.  Sometimes I feel like I'm late to the party but I'm excited to see what God does, He may grow this blog or He may lead me in another direction.  Now I just need to keep listening and watching!

1-4-14

Today I woke up with my new friend...headache.  For the last three weeks I keep waking up with it. It hurts and it can make me feel grumpy.  I also woke up thinking I've only got two days then school starts again, feeling ungrateful and pessimistic.  I made my coffee and sat down to read the Word and the extraordinary happened...my attitude shifted.  My new thought...I have another new day to see what God wants to show me.  He wants to do great things for me, through me and it's my job to be ready.  He has put desires on my heart and I believe He will work His purpose out for His good will.  "Amazement seized them all and they glorified God and were filled with awe saying ”we have seen extraordinary things today." Luke 5:26 

I want to see the extraordinary in today! 

Word for 2014

My word for this year is "deep". It started coming to me early last month while reading. I want to go deeper in my relationships with my family and friends...causing growth in our passions, I want to go deeper in my habits of eating right and moving more, I want the truth of God's word to go deeper in my heart, and I want to go deeper in my student's learning and understanding as well as my own. Ephesians 3: 17-19 are the verses I want to memorize and live this year, "so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Perspective

This week I had two students with two different perspectives on a situation.  I've been marveling at how easy it is to have miscommunication and how thankful God gave me this opportunity to see this first hand.  One little girl came to school and was asking everyone if they liked her new coat.  She was struggling a little with her zipper and wondered out loud if it was broken.  The second little girl asked her if she'd gotten her coat at Goodwill. The first girl took great offense at the comment and didn't answer her as she was mad.  A couple of days later these two girls were talking and the conversation was light and joking from the perspective of the second girl but the first girl was taking offense at everything she was saying.  Finally she couldn't take it anymore and told her parents about this whole event.  I was then made aware of the situation and sat the girls down.  I knew the second little girl came from a house with limited funds so I opened the conversation about shopping at Goodwill, how I like to go there and find treasures others have given away.  The first little girl told us how she felt when the comment was made and I asked the second little girl why she had asked the question about where  was the jacket purchased.  She promptly answered that the last "new" jacket she had gotten was from goodwill and it had a broken zipper, so she was wondering if that had happened to her.  Immediately the first little girl realized that she shouldn't have taken offense and I could tell she then heard everything through a filter of hurt.  How many times have I done this? By not asking for clarification, assuming things, burying past hurts and not letting that person know I've been hurt, then my ears,eyes are hearing,seeing everything through that lens.  How much have I missed out on? 

Thank you, Lord, for this lesson.  Sometimes the teacher learns more than the students! 

Getting Ready

School starts next week...when kids actually come to my room eagerly anticipating a new teacher, classmates, and adventures to begin. I'm teaching fourth grade this year and I've begun the process of getting my room ready. Every year I have to move something so this year I moved my cubbies, file cabinets, and am getting rid of my desk.  It has opened the room up and I'm excited to see how this floor plan works.  I'm also thrilled to only be doing one grade level this year and my mind is racing with all the cool games, projects I have seen on Pinterest and the blogs I follow.  Someone asked me yesterday how was my summer and I replied that it was a summer of repair and restoration.  Body, mind, soul, and spirit all needed the restoration and repair this summer!  Now I'm ready for the new school year with hope and excitement.


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Today

In my readings this morning I read this "Bring those to The Lord today, and envision yourself as exactly what you are: the magnificent object of His great and enduring love."  Those can be defined as the doubts, fears that trip me up constantly.  Today I choose to focus on this, He who has made me has made me for a purpose of glorifying His name in all that I say and all that I do. So let's go clean! 

pre July 4th

It's the day before America's birthday, the day before my husband and I go off for a little R & R, and I am thinking about all the things I have yet to do this summer.  Organizing seems to be a central theme on my list of 42 things to do this summer.  I can almost organize myself too much and that's what I wanted to write about today.  Organization is so good but when I fail to start or finish anything because I am not organized enough then it's a problem.  It's also a problem when I have to be so organized I can't experience the spontaneity of life.  Like many areas of life there is a balance that moves and I am learning to shift with each day so that I stay balanced.  I want to hear the Holy Spirit, feel the nudge, but I also need to have some sort of order to my days when I am not working hence the balance dance is born!  I am finding out so much about myself in these quiet days and doing the balance dance is my new move.

New day, new start

I've been on summer break for 2+ weeks and I'm feeling relaxed and rejuvenated.  My blog is something I think about often.  I made a list of 42 things to do this summer and #24 is...write on my blog.  I want to know how to add buttons, links, make my blog cute so it starts today with a new post.  Practice doesn't make perfection, it only deepens a habit whether good or bad.  Being perfect is something I'm letting go of, it paralyzes me with fear. So here goes my new day of learning!

Report Cards

It's that time of year to give out grades to students. We've been in school for 60ish days and both parents and students want to know how they're doing. I was thinking this morning after reading Philippians 1:1-11 that everyone will be given a report card at the end of their life. Progress reports can be useful tools and I feel as though God gave me one today in my quiet time. I'm reminded to be in the word so that my love will abound more and more with knowledge and discernment so that I can approve or know what is pure and blameless. I am not always making the best choices; what I eat, thoughts I think, how i use my time. This challenges me...if i were to receive a report card today...what areas would be marked "needs improvement"?

It's been too long since I've written anything but....I do think about this blog often.  I'm pretty much blaming having a combo class for everything in my life that's not getting done so I'll blame not blogging on that too.  When I first decided to do a blog I knew this would happen but instead of giving up like I thought I would I'm coming back to my blog and nurturing it with some more words. It's liberating to me to write. Writing gets it out of my head and puts in front of me in black, white and all shades in between.  I had the best summer and my school year is up and running.  Last Friday was my first non meltdown Friday so I'm making progress.  I now have so much empathy for teachers of combo classes and my ego has been taken down a couple of notches which is always good.
Last night mike and I babysat for a young couple and their 3 adorable kids.  They were so good and it was good practice for when we hit the grandparent chapter.  It struck me that it doesn't really matter the size of a home, no matter if its a mansion or a 1 bedroom apartment, as long as the home has love, laughter, honest communication...the children will be just fine.  So often I define myself by the stuff in my life and what I do with that stuff.  I think I'm still learning I am more than stuff and what my kids got from Mike and I was more than stuff.  Stuff makes our lives more comfortable but it could also bring more complications too.  I'm thankful that we raised our kids where we did, we have the love, laughter and honest communication still in our home and I'm truly content in our home.
It's good to be back!

Whew!  It has been a busy spring.  I have neglected this space but I am always thinking about it, which is kind of what I do in a lot of areas in my life.  Today I read something along the lines of...if you are constantly ingesting good information but never digesting it, it isn't really doing anyone any good.  I am really good at ingesting information...I love it actually but the doing or digesting is more difficult for me.  I printed off a poster this week that I am putting in my creative room and it says "what you create doesn't have to be perfect".  I am not sure where this tendency of perfection comes from...I wouldn't classify my parents as being perfectionistic but they were very critical of everything around them.  Perhaps I transferred their criticalness into thinking I needed to be as perfect as I could be so I wouldn't be criticized.    I do know I H A T E criticism and will do anything to avoid it.  So now that I have ingested more insightful information, what will I do with it?  I need to put feet to my words/thoughts.  I have 5 more days of school and then I will have a good chunk of time to DO.  I want to be thinner when I start school in August, I want to have created items by knitting, embroidering, and scrap-booking, I want to continue to foster friendships by doing fun things with friends, and I want to be free to be who God has created me to be.  This is the summer of Doing!  So excited to start...but first I need to research/think a bit more! :-)

Roller coaster

Roller coasters and I have never been what you would call simpatico.  I don't like the feeling of my stomach lunging up and down and all around....don't like the feeling of falling....don't really enjoy the jerks and quick turns.  I'm more of a stay on the ground while watching others screaming their enthusiasm of riding on the roller coaster kind of girl.  These last few months have been what I would call a roller coaster in my emotions.  I haven't been able to be the steady girl I usually am and I was starting to feel somewhat crazy.  I KNOW I'm at the age of menopause but I thought it was mainly about irregular periods and hot flashes, but....oh no...it can involve more than 20 different symptoms.  Amazing!  Women's bodies are so intricate and yet so strong.  I am "feeling" better now that I am realizing I'm not crazy, or experiencing a brain tumor, or any other number of horrible physical conditions that my active imagination has been conjuring up during the last few months.  Verse 14 in Psalm 139 is my new verse for this month..."I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."  So I'm back on the ground watching others on the roller coaster and knowing that when I feel like crying non-stop, or screaming at students for not knowing fractions...this too shall pass in this wonderful world of mine.

Starting and Stopping

Starting and stopping...could be a title of my book.  I start so many things and then I stop them and I feel compelled to stop this cycle as it is really starting to annoy me.  I start eating right and then I stop, I start many projects and then I stop, I start thinking a new way then I stop and slip back into my worry-fear prone thinking, and so my pattern continues.  I am doing some spring cleaning and I want to start with my mind.  I believe that what I think about, what I fill myself up with in terms of my thought life, that is what my actions are going to reflect.  If I think worry-fear thoughts then my actions will reflect that.  When I am with a large group or even a small group when I am filled with those thoughts then I am withdrawn, quiet, not confident at all but when I am full of the right way of thinking then I contribute, I am confident that what I am saying is worth something.  Worrying whether someone will like me or accept me, I stop.  Worrying whether or not my project is good, I stop.  Worrying that I won't achieve my goal, I stop.  By coming out of this messy closet called my mind, I want to start the process of cleaning my thinking.  But the fear that I'll fail keeps my closet closed...it is truly a battle.  Let the battle begin!

Molly

Tomorrow is the day I take Molly in for a consultation to determine why she's not been her usual self. I'm afraid it may be a tumor and I'll have a decision to make. She's been a pure delight the last 11 years. I love her and she's still my puppy so I'll find out the facts tomorrow and hopefully make the right choice.

Saturday

Today is my day to go do something I've been excited about since I signed up...learning to make cheese. Yesterday I went to Stitches and felt inspired to keep creating with yarn, fabric and today I'm enlarging my knowledge base of creating something that is edible. I'm taking the class from Happy Girl Kitchens which is an organic food preservation based business. I'm going to Pacific Grove which should be beautiful today. I'm thinking about this quote from Lysa Terkeurst and she said "Indeed, what we fix our attention, heart, and mind on is what we'll worship. What we worship becomes magnified. And what is magnified will consume us and perpetuate more and more worship." I want to fix my attention on the Creator of creativity. Today is the day, this is the moment...let's get started.

Journey Musings

Today I was reading in Romans and this scripture popped out at me..."What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of?  Those things result in death." Romans 6:21  The day before that I had a Chinese proverb tell me (after completing a rousing game of mahjongg) that "Hard work has a future payoff.  Laziness pays off now." For quite some time I have been pondering the question of Who am I? and I have discovered my view of myself has been skewed for as long as I can remember.  I am sensing this is the core issue of my struggle with my weight.  I've started focusing on not just who am I but who am I in Jesus and I have noticed my struggles aren't lasting as long, they aren't as deep as they once were.  I am super hopeful that this is the last time I have to lose the weight and that I am then ready to keep it off.
So in my pondering I have discovered that I have always been performance based in order to get approval, love and acceptance. As a young child through adulthood I have firmly established in my mind that doing well = approval, love, acceptance and doing bad = disapproval, unloved, unaccepted.  I have also noticed that for me doing well means I try to please everyone around me so everyone is happy thus making them feel good which then in turn makes me feel loved.  Thus I have created a false sense of security because it's based on trying to make everyone feel something when in reality that isn't what God has called me to do...He has called me to be the woman He wants me to be and to please Him.  The second thing about doing well is that I have a perfectionistic tendency when it comes to my standard for myself.  If I don't succeed in being perfect then I disapprove of myself and I show that by the things I say to myself, the way I take care of myself, and it is paralyzing me.  My fear of disapproval from God, others, and even myself paralyzes me.  This is so cemented in me and I am so thankful that I see it.   When reading scriptures that tell me that God loves me for me, not for what I do...it's so foreign to my thinking.  I am hopeful that now that I see this way of thinking, the Holy Spirit is going to start showing me how to crack this cemented thinking into freedom.  When stress comes, instead of going to food which always results in feeling ashamed and death, I want to go to scriptures to have freedom and life.  I have bought the lies of the world, Satan, and even my own thinking, and it's time for change.  Dare... to believe that God loves me, He's for me, He created me, and He has every detail laid out for me.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26  Let the cement be broken in my thinking so that God's ways can go deeper in me.